New Rules: Funny for the Day

New Rule:

Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,

blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better

description for these kids:.... lucky bastards.



New Rule:

If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,

you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your

idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.



New Rule:

There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle

of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery

taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You

want flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let

it melt. That's your flavored water.



New Rule:

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the

asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande

half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread

cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one

NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.



New Rule and this one is long overdue:

No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is

offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George

Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just

some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam,

dude. I just want to wash my hands.



New Rule:

Stop sending me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com ! There's a

reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't

particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain

of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.



New Rule:

Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless

you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human

finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less

than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily,

it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have

voted to keep it alive.



New Rule:

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't

make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And

it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did

anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.

You're not spiritual. You're just high.



New Rule:

Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly

sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,

because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too

damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.

They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."



New Rule:

I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,

I'll go nuts and eat two.





New Rule:

If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old

television shows, when you have to give everyone in the Cineplex

a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's

remember the reason something was a television show in the first

place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.



New Rule:

No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for

weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from

rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy

it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of

looting.



New Rule:

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in

months: "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not

cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.