New Rules: Funny for the Day

New Rule:

Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,

blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better

description for these kids:.... lucky bastards.



New Rule:

If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,

you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your

idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.



New Rule:

There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle

of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery

taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You

want flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let

it melt. That's your flavored water.



New Rule:

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the

asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande

half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread

cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one

NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.



New Rule and this one is long overdue:

No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is

offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George

Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just

some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam,

dude. I just want to wash my hands.



New Rule:

Stop sending me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com ! There's a

reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't

particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain

of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.



New Rule:

Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless

you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human

finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less

than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily,

it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have

voted to keep it alive.



New Rule:

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't

make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And

it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did

anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.

You're not spiritual. You're just high.



New Rule:

Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly

sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,

because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too

damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.

They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."



New Rule:

I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,

I'll go nuts and eat two.





New Rule:

If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old

television shows, when you have to give everyone in the Cineplex

a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's

remember the reason something was a television show in the first

place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.



New Rule:

No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for

weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from

rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy

it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of

looting.



New Rule:

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in

months: "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not

cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

Something that sparkles today

Here is the new glitter clip :)

Reunited... and it feels so good!

Don't even pretend that your inner 12 year old isn't going 'SQUEEEEEE' right this moment!

NKOTB is back!

20 Best Lists

Nik-

20 Best Movies:
The Mighty
Moulin Rouge
Love Actually
The Princess Bride
The Neverending Story
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Center Stage
Disney’s Aladdin
Clerks
Memoirs of a Geisha
Newsies
Dream for an Insomniac
Empire Records
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
The Goonies
Four Weddings & a Funeral
Hackers
Mansfield Park
Stranger than Fiction
What Dreams May Come

20 Best Songs:
Take On Me by A-Ha
Every Breath You Take by The Police
Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel
Glory of Love by Peter Cetera
Everything I Do by Bryan Adams
Broken Wings by Mr. Mister
Fly Like an Eagle by The Steve Miller Band
Crash into Me by The Dave Matthews Band
Right Here Waiting by Richard Marx
Tainted Love by Soft Cell
If I had a $1,000,000 by Barenaked Ladies
Gotta Get Thru This by Daniel Bedingfield
Home by Deep Blue Something
Close My Eyes by Jordan Knight
Lovestoned/I Think She Knows by Justin Timberlake
Read My Mind by The Killers
It’s Over by Lisa Loeb
Little Black Backpack by Stroke 9
Landslide by The Smashing Pumpkins
This Is How a Heart Breaks by Rob Thomas

20 Best Books:
Melusine by Sarah Monette
Tigana by Guy Gavriel Kay
Empress Orchid by Anchee Min
The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom
Ill Wind by Rachel Caine
Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman
Outlander by Diana Gabaldon
The Compass Rose by Gail Dayton
A Game of Thrones by George R. R. Martin
Kushiel’s Avatar by Jacqueline Carey
The Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley
Daughter of the Blood by Anne Bishop
The Eye of the World by Robert Jordan
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by J.K. Rowling
Talyn by Holly Lisle
Fellowship of the Ring by J.R.R. Tolkien
Coraline by Neil Gaiman
His Majesty’s Dragon by Naomi Novik
On Fire’s Wings by Christie Golden

20 Best Musical Artists:
The Police
Sting
Justin Timberlake
Barenaked Ladies
Lisa Loeb
No Doubt
Gwen Stefani
Bree Sharp
Deep Blue Something
Daniel Bedingfield
Linkin Park
Stroke 9
Timbaland
Weezer
Imogen Heap
Bryan Adams
The Beetles
The Cars
Phil Collins
The Killers

20 Best Things to Cheer You Up
My Kids
Swings
Books
Laughter
Jigsaw Puzzles
Bookstores
Video Games
Learning Something New
Creating Something New
Cleverness
Cats
Internet
Music
Geeks/Nerds
Completing a Task
Meeting my Budget
Movie Theatre
Finding it in the right size, right style at the right price
Daydreaming
A Good Debate

20 Best Things to Do on a Rainy Day
Movie-a-Thon
Read a Book
Do a Puzzle
Scrapbook
Board Games
Video Games
Legos!
Bake
Coloring Books
Take a Bath
Dance
Write
Internet
Draw/Trace
Research Family Tree
Learn Something
Create Something
Daydream
Play Pretend w/Kids
Take a Nap

20 Best Foods to Devour
Biscuits
Toast
Brownies
Salmon
Mongolian Beef
Grapes
Cranberry Sauce
Nachos
Cottage Cheese
Shrimp Linguine Alfredo
Cheese Fondue
Crab Wontons
Eggdrop Soup
Waffles
Swedish Crepes
Quiche
Blackberry Cobbler
Calamari
Ham & Cheese Omelette
Fruit Salad

Val-

20 Best Movies:
Hope Floats
Memoirs of a Geisha
How to Lose a guy in ten days
Beauty and the Beast
Garden State
Brokedown Palace
Marie Antoinette
The Breakfast Club
The Prince and Me
Meet me in St. Louis
Life as a house
Dirty Dancing
Willy wonka and the Chocolate Factory
10 things I hate about you
You’ve Got Mail
16 candles
Edward Scissorhands
Down with Love
Nightmare before Christmas
Pretty in Pink

20 Best Songs:
Strawberry Wine by Deana Carter
Dreams by the Cranberries
Maneater by Nelly Furtado
The Dance by Garth Brooks
Come away with me by Norah Jones
Stay by Lisa Lobe
Bittersweet Symphony by the Verve
1-2-3-4 By Fiest
Cable Car by the Fray
Somebody like you by Keith Urban
Silence by Delirium
1979 By the Smashing Pumpkins
Damaged by Plumb
Deliver me By Sarah Brightman
You get what you give By New Radicals
Gravity by John Mayer
Material Girl by Madonna
Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls
Name by the Goo Goo Dolls
What if you by Josh Radin
Hallelujah Sung by Rufus Wainwright
Let Go by Frou Frou
New Slang by the Shins
Don't Panic By Coldplay
Caring is Creepy by the Shins
In the Waiting Line by Zero 7
Breathe Me by Sia
Such Great Height By the Postal Service
Livin’ On love by Alan Jackson
Roam by the B-52’s
The Way I am by Ingrid Michaelson
Valerie Loves me by Material Issue

20 Best Books:
Most in which are or have been on the banned book list: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Banned_books
1. Tuesday with Morrie
2. Catcher in the Rye
3. Virgin Suicides
4. Bright lights, Big City
5. Running with Scissors
6. Harley Like a Person
7. The Five people you meet in Heaven
8. For one more day
9. Running with Scissors
10. The Red Tent
11. Memoirs of a Geisha
12. Crazy
13. To Kill a mockingbird
14. I know why the cages bird sings
15. Oh, the Places you will go (and all the little Dr. Seuss books)
16. Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn
17. Summer of the Monkeys
18. Where the Red Fern Grows
19. The Greatest Salesman in the World
20. A night without Armor


20 Best Musical Artists:
Justin Timberlake
Lisa Loeb
Imogen Heap
The Killers
Madonna
Norah Jones
John Mayer
Death Cab for Cutie
Coldplay
U2
Tim McGraw
Sarah McLachlan
The Fray
Frank Sinatra
Ben Folds
Matchbox 20
Madeleine Peyroux
The Wreckers
Rascal Flatts
The Cranberries

20 Best Things to Cheer You Up
1. Bookstores
2. Scrapbooking
3. Playing on the Internet
4. Listening to Music
5. Reading a Magazine
6. Learning
7. Coloring
8. Traveling and planning to travel
9. Laying in Bed
10. Going to Tea
11. Going Downtown
12. Journaling
13. Cooking
14. Going out Dancing
15. Movies
16. Mark
17.A good find at a vintage or thrift store
18. Vera Bradley Garb
19. Shopping
20. Cocktails

20 Best Things to Do on a Rainy Day
1. Watch a movie
2. Have a movie marathon on one particular actor/ actress
3. Read a Book
4. Cut things out of magazines and make Collages
5. Scrapbook
6. Bake and take my time cooking
7. Color
8. Take a Bubble Bath
9. Write a letter
10. Write in my journal
11. Surf the Internet
12. Take a Nap
13. Have Tea
14. Take a Walk
15. Organize my computer music library
16. Work on my quilt
17. Organize my house
18. Read through Cookbooks
19. Play in the Rain
20. Play Cards

20 Best Foods to Devour
1. Angel Food Cake
2. Strawberries
3. Cereal
4. Sushi
5. Cheetos
6. Brownies
7. Nachos
8. Fondue (cheese and Chocolate)
9. Crab Cheese Wontons
10. Egg rolls with Sweet and Sour Sauce
11. Most Italian Food
12. Grilled Cheese Sandwiches
13. Little Tea Sandwiches and Pastries
14. Scones
15. Ice Cream
16. Breads, Muffins and cakes
17. Chai
18. Mexican food (burritos, cheese enchiladas, Soft Tacos)
19. Steak Fajitas
20. Reece’ Pieces and Peanut Butter Cups