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How to Stop Being a People PleaserDo you habitually give in to other people because you just can't stand the thought of upsetting them? Do you put your needs to one side because you get a buzz from someone else's happiness, only to find that he or she is not a bit grateful? If so, you are a classic "people pleaser," and you are, in all probability, not getting what you want out of life. It's time to shift the focus from others to yourself, and stop being a martyr.
1. Think of five times when you did or said something that did not truly reflect your wants and needs, in order to please someone else. Write them down. For each of these occasions, imagine how you would have handled it differently - to please yourself! What is the worst that could have happened? Write down your worst fears.
2. Look at your
fears. Are they realistic? Are they truly terrible? You might be afraid that no one will like you, that someone will leave you, or that you will be left all alone if you don't say the right thing. That is a prison you have trapped yourself in, and it's time to unlock the doors and walk out! The people around you may be used to your compliance, but if they're not willing to accept that you have your own needs, are they really worth having in your life?
3.Examine your ability to set limits on others. Examine your boundaries. Where are they? What is acceptable behavior for you and what is unacceptable? Do you tolerate the intolerable? Normalize the abnormal? Accept the unacceptable? Do you know what it feels like to be treated with dignity and respect? Learn how to identify and label unacceptable treatment from others and how to set limits on their behavior when they violate your boundaries.
4.Consider the source. Many people pleasers were raised in environments wherein their needs and feelings were pushed aside/not considered. Were you always expected to anticipate, and to mold yourself to, everyone else's needs? Did you learn that the only way to receive a positive response was to do what others wanted you to do? If so, here's a newsflash: Not all the world wants a pushover. By focusing on pleasing others, you open yourself up to
manipulation and
abuse. You will never reach your potential as an individual if you constantly hide behind others' expectations.
5. Stop basing your self-worth on how much you do for other people. It's noble to want to help others, but it's something you should do because you want to, not because you feel you have to. The greatest
acts of kindness are those done by choice, not out of
fear or
guilt. If you're doing things for others because you would feel bad if you didn't, is the action really genuine? Would you want others to help you under those terms? And, if you're helping others to such an extent that you are neglecting yourself, is that really wise?
6. Learn how to
say "no." Don't make up excuses - give your reasons for not wanting something. So your husband wants his entire family to come to Christmas dinner, and you just can't face it? "I'm sorry darling, I find the pressure of entertaining such a large number of people intolerable." Your best friend wants you to go with her or him to a
party that will be full of people that you can't stand? "No thank you, it's just not my scene." Start small - find something small to say "no" to, but say it firmly. Say it politely, but mean it! You'll be surprised; the world will not collapse around your ears! People rarely take offense, and those that do aren't worth pleasing.
7. Ask for what you want. If everybody's going to the
movies, and most people in the group want to see a particular movie, but you'd rather watch something else, speak up! There's nothing wrong with voicing your opinion, and it doesn't have to mean you're making a demand. Simply reminding people that you're an individual with your own preferences is a big step forward. Even asking someone to help you do something will help.Ultimately, you must remember that no one can read your mind. If you feel that you do so much for others, but they don't do anything for you, maybe it's because you don't express your needs or desires. It's not fair to make people pry an answer from you. If they ask you what you want, or if there's a decision being made, put in your opinion, and let that be that.
8.Do something for yourself. Do one thing you have been wanting to do, but are afraid someone else will not like.
Dye your hair, get that
tattoo, get a
belly ring, go on
holiday....whatever you do, do it for yourself, and practice not worrying what anyone else thinks about it. Don't get caught up in doing things just because no one else wants you to do them. Remember that there ought to be things that you truly want to do for yourself, regardless of what anyone else thinks, not in spite of it. Other people's opinions are a factor in our lives, but they should not be the determining factor.
9.Compromise. While it's not good to be a pushover, it's no better to be a manipulative bully or a reckless rebel. Don't become totally
selfish. In fact, many people pleasers have low self-esteem. So do those who are selfish. It is best to develop good self-care skills, which include healthy assertiveness skills. You can listen to others, but ultimately, what you do is your choice. Keep a balance! Sometimes the needs of other people should come first. Whenever there's a conflict of desires, try to come up with a solution that will meet both desires halfway.
Tips:
Have an affirmation pinned up where you will see it every day. "My needs are just as important as yours."
Understand that kindness does not equate to "people pleasing", nor does unkindness equate to disagreement. It is possible to be both kind and to state your own needs. Don't label your standing up for yourself as being "unkind". It is not.
Anticipate situations where you would normally "people please," by thinking about what you want and rehearsing your "lines."
Don't worry if you slip back into your old ways occasionally - this is probably a lifelong habit, and it will take time to overcome.
Remember that one of the best ways to take care of others is to take care of yourself first!
Stop being nice to people that aren't nice to you. If you're nice all the time, people might take advantage of you. Although cussing is never necessary as there are plenty of specific and effective words in the English language, don't be afraid to cuss at a person if he or she does that to you. Sometimes cuss words are the best you can come up with or are the most effective/appropriate.
